


The Deadpool Show!

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: AU (sort of), Comedy, Gen, Humor, I blame Deadpool, Other, Roommates, What Was I Thinking?, sitcoms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 10:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/560215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a wacky sitcom starring me! And I have an apartment with Cable and Tasky and we have hot across-the-hall neighbors and it's going to be totally awesome. Personally I'm not sure the author really knows what she's getting into here, but <em>I'm</em> having fun, and that's really all that matters, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot-pool

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ook](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ook/gifts).



> I blame Deadpool. It's all his fault.

Our story opens in the living room of an apartment. Specifically, one of those freakishly huge sitcom apartments that no real person can actually afford. It is excitingly furnished, divided as it is almost precisely down the middle. The right half of the room is all white and chrome, very Ikea, and organized with all the flair of the life-long anal retentive. On that side, the sun shines bright and hot through an open window. The left half of the room, however, is furnished in red and black and earth tones. It is also an absolute _wreck._ In fact, there's...is that a whole pizza? There's a _whole_ _pizza_ on the floor. With _anchovies._ Eew.

Some furniture is clearly shared—the couch, the large flatscreen television (with DVR and Xbox), a coffee table covered with books about weaponry. Through the living room is a kitchen, and past that are the bedrooms and bathroom, which we can't see. There's some kind of commotion coming from that area, but nothing comprehensible.

There is a knock at the door.

The commotion in the back continues unabated.

Another knock at the door, and then it swings open slightly and a voice says, “Hello? I'm here about the ad? Seeking roommate?”

Nobody comes out to answer the door.

After a brief pause, the door swings open further and Tony Masters steps into the room. He looks around, taking in the décor with what would be most easily called disbelief, and then pulls back his hood and scratches the back of his head. He is not wearing his skull mask, though it is clearly visible sticking out of his back pocket. “Hello?”

The commotion in the back stills abruptly, and then returns louder than ever as Nate Summers and Wade Wilson emerge into the living room. Nate is...well, he's Cable, glowing eye and everything, and Wade is wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, Marvin the Martian boxers, and his Deadpool mask. They are arguing loudly.

“I'm throwing it out, Wade. It's disgusting, it's unsanitary, and it smells _horrendous._ ”

“Hey, you can't do that! My side, my rules! Besides, I _love_ that pizza!” Wade makes an obscene gesture and then turns to Tony, holding out his other hand. “Hi, you must be our new roommate!”

Tony shakes hands, awkwardly. “That was the...hope, yes.”

“I'm Wade! And that's Nate, he's a jerk sometimes. He wants to throw out my pizza. What's your name?”

“I'm Tony Masters. I, uh...” he pulled a script out of his back pocket, refers to it, and makes a disgusted face. “Oh, I do _not_ work at the gym. Look, I'm a mercenary. I kill people for money.”

“That makes two of us, then!” Deadpool flings his arms open expansively, and the laugh track cues.

Nate puts a hand over his face. “...look. Wade. What's this all about?”

“What's what all about?”

“This...this whole...” he produces his own copy of the script and gestures with it. “I _refuse_ to tell people that I work in IT. What's going on here?”

“Yeah. Seriously, Wade. What's up?”

They both fix Wade with steely glares, under which he slowly wilts. “I, uh...I talked to Franklin Richards? About making us into a sitcom? Come on, guys, it'll be fun! We can be roomies with big differences, but really we're all friends, and we have wacky problems that we solve with violence! I had the idea in another fic, I think it'd work great. Anyway, everyone _else_ is here, take a look!”

Together the three of them go to the door and lean out into the hallway. The first thing to become obvious is that this is a really big apartment building. Down the hall, Scott Summers is leaning in a doorway, chatting with Emma Frost. In the other direction, cigar smoke curls out from underneath an apartment door that looks like it's seen three rounds with an angry mountain lion. The numbers are all in the tens, although they're in Roman numerals, so this is apparently the “Xth” floor.

As they look into hall other people start to emerge, mutants of all political and heroic affiliations. Where the hall turns we can hear other people coming out. Finally, Emma Frost, who is wearing an unnervingly sedate white v-neck sweater and white jeans—and seriously, they're not even low-rise, they've got a straight leg, they're mom jeans. And sneakers! White sneakers! Wait, what was I talking about? Emma Frost! Right. She rolls her eyes and says, “What happened? Did Wanda get a hangnail?” She looks down at herself in disgust. “I look like a suburban housewife trying to seduce a gym teacher.”

Scott looks vaguely offended. “A _gym_ teacher?”

“While I can't fault your logic, my dear Miss Frost, I can't say that I think you're correct.” Erik Lehnsherr emerges from an apartment at the end of the hall, leaning heavily on a cane. “As I am neither ruling the world nor dying alone, I don't think we can ascribe this to my daughter.”

The chatter in the hall continues as everyone looks around, trying to figure out who could be responsible for the situation, and slowly all eyes find Deadpool. He waves cheerfully. “Hey everyone! It's totally me!” The laugh track cues again.

Nate and Tony pull him back into the apartment and close the door before anyone else can reach them.

“What?” he says—or rather, begins to whine. “Come _oooon,_ it'll be _fun._ Think about it! It's _like_ the normal world, except that it's a sitcom so nothing we do has consequences! We can do whatever we want and then next episode the slate is wiped completely clean! Isn't that awesome?”

There is a long pause, and then Nate says, “I think you're the only one who thinks that's good, Wade. Personally I think it's very important that our actions have consequences.”

“Spoilsport.”

“Look,” says Tony, mouth twisting. “If we don't go along with it for at least a few episodes he'll just bitch and moan and drive us both crazy. He'll get bored eventually, who the fuck could it hurt?”

Nate frowns. “I don't think you want me to answer that question.”

Wade pulls up his mask, clasps his hands in front of his chest, and makes the biggest, blinkiest, most velvet-paintingest puppy eyes he can manage. _“Pleeeease?”_

 

\--

 

It's...The Deadpool Show!

 

Starring...Wade Wilson as Deadpool! Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Summers Angelina Francesca Bobesca Bananafana the Third as Cable! Tony Masters as Taskmaster! And many more!

 

With special guest...Shen Kuei! The Cat! (Man, maybe we'll get to see his tattoo!)

 

So the new guy moves into the Marvel Heights apartment complex, Building C, on a hot day in late September. He hasn't got a ton of stuff to move in, luckily, and in particular no furniture to speak of, which is lucky, because there isn't room for any more furniture in apartment XIII. Although it does raise the question of,

“Where do I sleep?”

“Not a problem!” Wade points to the door of one of the bedrooms—specifically, his own. “You'll sleep with me! Um, in a not-gay-at-all way, because I'm totally not gay. At all. And I can _prove_ that to the next fifteen women who—”

“Wade.”

“Right, right, yeah. Anyway I got us bunkbeds! We can stay up late and have popcorn and watch movies and do _hair_ and you know they show _Golden Girls_ reruns at two in the morning?”

Tony sighs. “Wade, you don't have hair.”

Wade sniffs. “Well, you don't have to rub it in.”

Nate doesn't help with any of the moving, which is totally a dick move, what with all his telekinesis and everything. He just sits on his pristine end of the couch, rubbing his temples, drinking a massive protein shake and looking like he's seen better days.

As they're moving the last of Tony's bags in, there's a knock at the door. Tony answers it. His jaw drops. “...yes?”

A gorgeous redhead leans in, holding out her hand. “Hey, are you the new guy, then? I'm Theresa. I live across the hall.”

Tony shakes hands, dumbstruck. “I'm Tony.”

“We haven't met in the real world, right? It's Siryn. From X-Force. And that's my roommate Neena.” She gestures behind her to another gorgeous woman, this one with jet-black hair. “We figured that there ought to be a party, what with the whole new universe thing or whatever it is Wade's doing. Here.”

From her back pocket she produces a flyer, which she hands to Tony. It reads: _Celebrate the new universe or continuity reboot or whatever! With liquor! Tonight at seven in the community center!_

He peers at it. “We have a community center?”

“Apparently. I just put down what the script said. Anyway everyone's invited, and there's going to be pizza, so we don't even have to cook. Will you come?”

“Uh...sure. Whatever you say.”

Theresa beams at him. “All right! See you there!”

Behind her Neena waves and says, “See you later, boys,” as the door closes.

When the door is shut Tony turns back around, flyer in hand, to find Wade much, much closer than he was expecting. “Holy _shit,_ Wade, what's _wrong_ with you?”

“You...you...” Wade grabs the flyer from him. “You need to help me find something _really_ nice to wear.”

The laugh track cues.

“Hey, shut up! I need to look nice!”

The laugh track continues and then is suddenly silenced as Wade gets frustrated, produces a gun from the back of his boxers, and points it at the camera. Startled, Tony grabs his wrist and forces the gun down. “ _Jesus,_ Wade. Calm the fuck down. I'll help you find something to wear.”

 

\--

 

The community center is this weird little building in the middle of the courtyard or whatever you'd call it, surrounded on all sides by the four buildings of the Marvel Heights complex. There's a little node in one corner that's the superintendant's offices, which is where Mr. Kirby (the superintendant) very occasionally hangs out. (I hear that if you can catch him there and you know the code word you can get some _good shit._ Like, seriously good. _Fourth World_ good.)

Anyway most of the community center is one big room, which is currently full of balloons, and there's a banner hanging from the ceiling that says “Happy new continuity!” on it, and a buffet along the back wall with three punch bowls and seven kinds of pizza (including a gluten-free one for Nightcrawler because otherwise he gets all _weird_ ). Everyone—or rather most of the inhabitants of the Xth floor—is there, trying desperately to mingle. Emma Frost even managed to find sexier clothes!

Wade has been successfully dissuaded from wearing his only tuxedo, and has compromised (as he puts it) by wearing a tuxedo t-shirt over his Deadpool costume. Tony and Nate are trying to keep it from looking like they came with him.

Their late arrival mainly results in a number of people all trying to converge on Wade at once. Kitty Pryde is at the front of these, and she looks _pissed._ “Deadpool, _why_ am I back in college?”

He holds up both hands, beginning to back away from her. “Co-eds sell big time! I thought we could get a webcam, set up a little side business—”

“I was almost _thirty_ in the normal continuity _._ And Jubilee is supposed to be my _cousin?_ ”

“Hey, now, that's a classic sitcom set-up by itself. Hot Asian cousin. We should work that angle a little more.”

“She's _fifteen,_ you sicko.”

“You know, I always wished I had a sweet sixteen. The big dress, the fancy cake, the weird dress code for everyone else, getting to be a total control freak in front of everyone so they don't ruin my special day. It'd be nice, y'know? Being the center of attention.”

Logan pats him heavily on the shoulder. “You get gayer every day, Wade.”

“ _Hey,_ I am _not—_ I'll prove it! Right here! Right now!”

Wade reaches for his belt and is promptly tackled by a number of concerned citizens.

Meanwhile, an even later arrival at the party is prompting an entirely different type of commotion, as a young Chinese man attempts to get to the pizza table without being intercepted. Undaunted, Jubilee jumps out in front of him. “Oh my god, are you Shen Kuei? The _Cat?_ ”

Shen Kuei nods.

“I'm a huge fan! Can I see your tattoo?”

He gives her a quick once-over, thinks about it, and says, “How old are you?”

She stands up slightly straighter. “Nineteen. And a half.”

Winking, he pulls open his shirt to reveal the tattoo on his chest. “If you want, later I can show you my _other_ tattoo.”

At this point Logan and Scott materialize behind her, glance at each other unnerved, and then shake their heads in unison. Logan says, “She's fifteen, bub.”

“And she won't be seeing _any_ more tattoos tonight.” Scott taps the side of his glasses meaningfully and then hauls the protesting Jubilee away.

This of course leaves Logan face to face with Shen Kuei. The Cat. Come to think of it, _I'd_ love to spar with him. If you know what I mean. He is _hot stuff._ I'd wink, but it wouldn't really come across in text, would it? Visual bits in narration, doesn't really—oh, right. Logan is face to face with Shen Kuei. They size each other up, nod, and then adjourn to go kick the crap out of each other. Which will probably be both terrifying and sexy.

In another part of the room, Nate and Betsy Braddock are playing foosball. With powers. Foosball with powers is like normal foosball but with less yelling and more narrowed eyes. Victor Creed has started running a book.

And then the Avengers, the ones who mostly live in Building A and hang out in the penthouse, show up, and things just get really _awkward._ Tony Stark talks first, because he's _always_ the guy who talks first. He's _that_ guy. “Hey, everyone. We heard there was a continuity reboot party?”

It takes a minute for anyone to say anything, because, seriously, _awkward,_ but then everyone starts talking at once because the Avengers are _mostly_ cool and things become less awkward until Scott and Steve Rogers run into each other at the pizza table. Then it's all, “We won, get over it,” and “I'm still right,” and could they get _any_ more alpha male?

“Hey, for a show about _me,_ you're not really writing a lot about me! What gives?”

It's the pilot episode, Wade. We have to get everyone established. Scott lives right around the corner and he's really close to one of your roommates, so he's going to be turning up a lot. I have to seed subplots for future episodes. Anyway, while Scott and Steve are getting chesty at each other, everyone else is pretty much buddy-buddy in that way where they don't know each other very well so they're all trying to be friendly. The only other thing that's _really_ awkward is that Pietro and Wanda are there, but they came with the Avengers, not with any of the mutants, and also Wanda's apparently a cat lady in this universe, so all she talks about are her cats but she calls them her babies. Man, I don't even know half the shit that's going on right now, and I'm the writer.

“Yeah, maybe you should wrap this up and we can get into the plot stuff next episode.”

Good idea, Wade.

“All my ideas are good ideas. For my next idea, I suggest that we set up a giant pit of lime Jello and get the ladies into some wrestling—”

 

End Credits.


	2. How I Met Your Deadpool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The circus is in town! Wade and Tony both want to ask their sexy neighbour Theresa to go with them--so they compete to impress her!
> 
> Wacky hijinks ensue!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! So the pilot went over pretty well with test audiences and the series got greenlit! Good for me, right? Right? I'm excited, are you excited?

It's morning in the apartment, and we're looking into the room that Wade and Tony share—in, yes, bunk beds, although they're actually double-sized bunks, which is weird. I bet Wade had it made specially. Both mercs are asleep; in the top bunk, Wade is on his face with his rear end in the air like a toddler, one arm hanging off the edge of the bed from beneath an aging and yellowed set of logo sheets. Take a look, if you like. I didn't know they even _made_ tie-in merchandise for _Bonanza._ Tony at least has normal sheets, although he doesn't actually have a blanket or anything and is sleeping under his cloak. And that's _adorable_

The blinds are partially open, and the day begins to creep in like an offensively bright waking-up thing. A ray of sun falls directly on Tony's face. He groans and blinks, rolls over, and pulls his hood over his head, attempting to catch at least a few more minutes of sleep.

No such luck; as soon as he's gotten settled an ambulance goes screaming past the building. Grumbling, he rolls out of bed and heads for the front of the apartment, clad in nothing but camo boxers.

The first thing he sees, of course, is Neena, perched on a chair in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal. She's wearing one of Nate's shirts and not a whole lot else. Check it out, too, she's got black-and-white checked underwear. She waves, smiling. “Morning, Tony.”

Laugh track.

“Holy cr—” Tony backpedals into the bedroom and stumbles out again a moment later wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. “Neena, what are you doing here?”

“I spent the night.” She waves to the closed door of Nate's bedroom. “After the party, remember? Or maybe you don't, you were a little drunk and Wade started singing. I know I always try to block that out.”

“Oh. I suppose that'd explain my headache.” Still off-balance, Tony goes about the complicated procedure of making himself some waffles in Nate's intimidatingly futuristic toaster. “So, uh...you and Nate. You're...together?”

“Sort of.”

“They're pals!” Wade emerges from the bedroom wearing Hello Kitty boxers and an impenetrable cloak of shamelessness. “Buddies! Best fri—no, wait, _I'm_ his best friend, you can't be his best friend. Anyway they hang out a lot. In Nate's room. I wonder what they do back there.” Laugh track again, as he rummages in the refrigerator. “Ha! I knew I still had some!”

He straightens up from the refrigerator, holding a block of cheese, a green pepper, and a carton of...Cadbury cream eggs. With which he proceeds to start making an omelette. In the background the waffles pop out of the toaster unheeded, as Tony and Neena watch the cooking spectacle before them, horrified.

After a moment Neena stammers out, “I...I know he doesn't eat _well,_ but...but...”

“I've never seen anything like it, and that's saying something.” Tony gropes blindly for his waffles, pulling one from the toaster and taking a massive bite of it without taking his gaze off the stove.

Behind them, Nate wanders out of his room obscured by censorship blur, whistling quietly to himself, and heads straight for the bathroom. The sound of the shower turning on is audible, but no comments are made. The omelette is just too...too...it's a _Cadbury cream egg omelette._ With _peppers._ Oh my _god._

As Wade is flipping his omelette out of the pan and onto a plate, there is a faint scratching sound from the building hallway, and a sheet of heavy glossy paper is slid under the door onto the living room floor. Tony tears his eyes away from the sight of Wade attacking his breakfast and goes over to pick the piece of paper up. “Come see the Circus of Crime and the Grand Carnival of Terror, limited one-week engagement. Marvel at the high-flying antics of the Great Gambonnos, gasp at the great feats of Bruto the Strong Man and the Human Cannonball, be amazed by the seductive Princess Python, and much more. Tickets ten dollars. Huh.” He glances over at Neena, who is still watching Wade eat with a stunned expression. “Circus is in town.”

There is a loud clatter as Wade drops his fork. “The circus is in town? With the _carnival?_ ”

“That's what I just said.” Tony holds up the flyer so Wade can see it. “Just for the week. Pretty cheap, too. Sounds like it could be fun.”

“Of _course_ it's fun! It's the circus! The circus is in town! With the carnival, and the rides, and the creepy carnies with the missing teeth and the rigged games that you can totally win if you hold a gun on the guy! I _love_ the circus!” Wade jumps up and down like a child for a moment, and then freezes. “Wait...if I'm going to go to the circus...I need a _date!_ ”

Tony blinks. “I didn't know the circus was something you'd take a date to.”

“Well, _duh._ If you don't have a date then who slaps you in the Tunnel of Love?”

“...good point. I guess I should find a date too.”

Wade begins to dance around the kitchen in his Hello Kitty boxers. “Gonna get a date to the _circus,_ gonna get a date to the _circus..._ ”

The shower can be heard to turn off, and a moment later Nate walks out, a towel wrapped around his waist. The laugh track cues, heavily punctuated by whistles and cat-calling from invisible audiences members of all sexes. He kisses Neena absently, plucks Tony's other waffle from the toaster and hands it to him, and gets himself a large bowl of granola. “Wade, do you _really_ need a date to _see_ you get kicked out this year?”

Wade's dance continues unabated. “I don't always get kicked out!”

“Yes, you do.”

“What about the time I won all those teddy bears?”

“That wasn't a carnival, Wade. You robbed a Build-A-Bear.” Laugh track.

“But—”

“And then you made an obscene bear tableau in the courtyard.”

Wade scowls. “That was _art!_ Don't diss my vision!”

Tony takes a contemplative bite of his waffle, only half listening. “Man, the _Vision._ Whatever happened to that guy?”

“Not the point, Tony! Nate is dissing my art! Make him not diss my art!”

Neena has at this point sufficiently recovered herself to return to her bowl of cereal—after, that is, surreptitiously scraping the remaining quarter of Wade's horrifying omelette into the trash. “Could you go put some clothes on? I'm pretty sure one of your tumors just winked at me.”

“Good idea!” Wade crosses the apartment in a single bound and dives into his bedroom. “Clothes! Then date!”

The sounds of a pitched battle begin to emanate from the back of the apartment as Wade searches for something to wear. Tony finally sits down, still munching on his waffle. “Maybe I should ask Theresa. She's pretty cute. You think she'd go out with me, Neena? She's your roommate, you'd know.”

Neena shrugs. “Ask her if you like.”

“Wait, though, I don't really know her that well. Um. Is there anything she's into? Something I can talk to her about?”

After a thoughtful pause, Neena says, “German expressionist film. And crocodiles, she's very into crocodiles.”

Nate suppresses a smile. “She's a very deep young woman.”

Tony looks surprised. “That's...cool, that sounds neat. I'll try to read up on that a little bit. Thanks, Neena, you're a pal.” He finishes his waffle and wanders off to the small corner of the living room that he's managed to claim for his computer and one small bookshelf.

Wade emerges from the back again, now in costume, as Nate and Neena are finishing their food. He sits down next to Neena, pulling his stool over a little closer than is really necessary. “So, uh, I was thinking I'd ask your roommate if she wants to go to the circus with me. Y'know. Theresa.”

Neena nods slowly as beside her Nate suppresses another laugh. “Yes, Wade, I know who she is. I live with her, remember?”

“Yeah, so I was thinking that if I'm going to ask her out then I need to know about things she's into, so that we have something we can talk about. What does she like? Huh? Huh?”

“Well...” Neena thinks about it for a moment. “She likes teen movies from the Eighties, and she's _very_ into Norwegian black metal.”

Wade's eyes go wide. “Me _too!_ It's _perfect!_ ”

“Speaking of Theresa, though, I've gotta get home, I promised her I'd help her do some straightening today.” Neena hops to her feet and kisses Nate on the cheek. “Later.”

“I'll see you later.” Nate pauses, and then adds, “The circus might be fun.”

She grins. “I like the circus.”

The audience goes “awww.”

Wade frowns. “What? What are you going 'awww' at? Did something cute happen? Why was I not involved?”

 

\--

 

We fade in on the apartment across the hall. It's just as unrealistically massive as the one that Wade and Nate and Tony share, but a lot more organized—not exactly neat as a pin, but not the terrifying subdivided hellhole that is the home of our “heroes.” Neena and Theresa are dressed in their oldest, nastiest-looking workout clothes and are hard at work, clearing up piles and dusting. They've got a stereo on, and it _is_ playing a Scandinavian musical group, but said group is in fact the Cardigans, and not black metal of any variety.

For a moment they don't talk, but then as they come together to reshelve the DVDs scattered around the room, Theresa says, “Hey, I almost forgot, we got a flyer earlier, that weird circus is in town again. Did Nate get one too?”

“Of course he did. I think they print up extras for our complex just to make sure we all get the message.” Neena goes up on her toes to pop a few cases back onto the shelf. “I was thinking I might go. You?”

Her friend shrugs. “Probably. It's always been fun before. You remember last year, when Wade lit the ring toss booth on fire?”

Neena snorts a laugh. “ _Oh_ yeah. They threw him out so hard he _bounced._ And I think he broke an arm, but it's not like you can ever tell with him.”

“He's _so_ weird. His new roommate seems nice, though.”

 

\--

 

Later that day, Theresa is walking down the hall toward the Floor X laundry room, basket of dirty laundry held against one hip. In her other hand she's got an issue of _Opera News_ , which she is reading while she walks.

“Um. Hi, Theresa.”

She jumps, nearly dropping her basket of laundry; Tony catches it with a hand under the base, but a pair of panties _does_ fall out onto his arm. Because of course she's washing her underwear in this load. Otherwise it wouldn't be _awkward._ They're pretty cute panties, although I never would have pegged her for a French-cut girl, she seems more like a bikini type to me, and the little pattern of shamrocks is just _too_ cute. He turns bright red, returns the panties to the laundry basket, and takes a step back. “Sorry I startled you.”

“Oh, no, it's fine, I just...I wasn't paying attention.” She puts her magazine down on top of the basket. “What's up?”

“I. Um. I recorded a documentary about crocodiles and I wanted to know if you wanted to watch it with me? And then afterward I rented _Vampyr_ , I've been wanting to see it for a while.”

Theresa smiles, her brow crinkling in puzzlement. “Crocodiles? Well, that's...that's—”

“WAY OF THE NINJA!”

This baffling interjection can be explained quite simply: at this moment, Wade drops from the ceiling, swords at the ready, and lands on Tony. Theresa shrieks, jumping back (and incidentally breaking the glass on the case for the fire extinguisher nearby), and hurries around them toward the laundry room. Wade and Tony, meanwhile, are rolling on the ground in a cloud of dust (hot!), causing vast amounts of damage to the surrounding walls. Especially since Tony managed to get his sword out too, even though he wasn't carrying it a minute ago.

After a few minutes Tony gets Wade pinned. “Ok, what the _hell_ , Wade?”

“You were gonna ask her out!”

Tony stares. “Ok, _first,_ how did you know I was going to ask her to go to the circus with me? And secondly, why can't I?”

“Only _I'm_ allowed to ask her out!” Wade thrashes, trying to get free, and mainly succeeds in tearing a shoulder seam on his costume. “And narrative convenience said that I had to find out between scenes!”

“...I'm not even going to touch that. Also: way of the ninja?”

“Oh, that!” Another second of thrashing (is this too sexual? It might be too slashy, I haven't been monitoring things very well) and Wade throws Tony off and hops to his feet. “That's my new battle cry for whenever I'm doing a sneak attack on someone. If I yell it I get a plus one bonus to Intimidate checks.”

Wait. Wade plays _Dungeons and Dragons_? How does he know that reference?

“Your fault! I know things that you know!”

I guess that makes sense.

Tony scrambles to his feet, looking like he's getting a headache. “How is it a sneak attack if you have a battle cry?”

Wade frowns. “I...it just is, ok? Anyway the crawlspace in the ceiling is pretty cool. I ran into Clint up there. Y'know he has a whole set-up, like a man cave thing, but in the ceiling? I thought that was just a _joke,_ but he totally loves it in there.”

“Wow.” But then Tony _thinks_ about that. “Wait, why here? Doesn't he live in building A?”

“Apparently he has one there too. One in every building. I asked him if he was going to the circus, but he just said 'I'm never going back!' and ran off.”

“Ran? In the ceiling?”

“Well, scuttled. Like a rat. A really big, secret-agenty rat. With a bird obsession.”

Tony thinks about that for a moment and then shrugs. “Ok, fair enough, I can see that.”

Laugh track.

 

\--

 

A couple of hours later and we're back in Theresa and Neena's apartment. Theresa is on the couch, folding her now-clean laundry—wow, how many pieces of X-themed clothing can one person have? Neena is in the kitchen, cleaning and oiling her really impressive collection of guns. It's actually sort of a nice, domestic moment, if you ignore the fact that there are probably enough firearms on the kitchen table to take over a small island nation. Quiet. Peaceful.

Until, of course, the air is rent asunder by a terrifying cacaphony of guitars and snarling.

Theresa jumps, throwing the shirt she's folding into the air, and claps a hand over her mouth so that she doesn't break anything. After a moment she moves her hands to her ears, looking pained. “What's that _noise?_ ”

Neena tilts her head to the side, listening closely. “Carpathian Mountain, I think.”

“Carpathian _what?_ Is that a new supervillain?”

“It's a Norwegian black metal band.”

Theresa stares at her roommate in disbelief and then gets up from the couch. “It's coming from the courtyard. Someone must be down there.”

Sure enough, when she gets to the window and looks down, Wade is standing in the courtyard. He's got on huge cheap sunglasses and a battered trenchcoat over his costume, and he's holding a big old-fashioned boombox over his head. It is from the boombox that the horrible noise is emanating.

After another moment of horrified staring, Theresa pulls up the screen and leans out the window. “Wade, what the hell are you up to?”

He looks up at her and shouts back, “Do I make a good John Cusack? I think I'm quirky enough!”

“ _Why_ are you pretending to be John Cusack? And what's that horrible noise?”

“I wanted to _aaargh._ ”

The _aaargh_ is because at this point Tony swings in from off-screen and tackles him, sending the boombox flying camera left, out of the picture. The music stops, and Theresa sighs in relief, though she doesn't stop leaning out the window—in fact, she turns back briefly to say to Neena, “Hey, Tony and Wade are fighting!”

Neena joins her at the window.

The battle ranges all over the courtyard, swords and blood flying. After a moment we even get to see what happened to the boombox, which is _not_ broken. Actually, Peter Parker caught it, and he's now sitting in a tree. A moment of fidgeting, Wade's Carpathian Mountain CD goes flying and shatters against a wall, and the battle is now soundtracked by Lemon Demon's “Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.” Peter snickers.

The cloud of dust that is Tony and Wade passes under the tree, and we can hear the two of them shouting.

“Hey, you _broke_ my knife!”

“Well, you chopped off my hand!” And sure enough, one of Wade's hands is tossed from the dust cloud, still clutching a small-caliber handgun.

“You were trying to shoot me!”

“I would've gotten the shot, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!”

“Wade, that doesn't make any sense.”

Around the courtyard, more windows are opening, and many of the other residents of Marvel Heights are leaning out to watch. Peter has obtained a bucket of popcorn and is taking photos. Victor Creed has started running a book. Neena has also microwaved some popcorn, which she and Theresa are sharing.

As “Ultimate Showdown,” which is apparently on repeat, moves into its second playthrough, the dust cloud suddenly dissipates—mainly because Wade and Tony are abruptly dangling in mid-air, several feet away from one another, still struggling futilely. Nate is standing in the doorway to building C, frowning. Disappointed spectators begin to complain, although Natasha Romanov, who bet on precisely this outcome, looks fairly pleased with herself as she collects her winnings.

Nate walks back into building C, pulling Wade and Tony (and Wade's severed hand) along behind him, and we can hear him beginning to launch into a speech about personal responsibility and the potential for collateral damage as the door closes.

Laugh track.

 

\--

 

_Half an hour later, at the apartment Theresa shares with another young, photogenic mutant..._

 

Theresa has washed the popcorn butter off her hands and gone back to folding her laundry. Neena is _still_ cleaning her guns. Did I mention that she has a lot of guns? She has a _lot_ of guns. Like, a really worrying quantity. Maybe that's what she and Nate do when they're in his room late at night. Maybe they just talk about guns. Or look at guns. Or read magazines about guns. Anyway, point is, she has a lot of guns.

There is a knock at the door.

Theresa glances over at Neena (who shrugs and holds up her oil-covered hands) and then goes over and opens the door. “Yes?”

Tony and Wade are standing in the hall side-by-side, still covered in scuff marks and blood, although at least Wade's hand has been reattached. Nate is standing behind them, glowering. “Boys, what have you got to say to Theresa?”

Both of them start to speak, which briefly devolves into another fistfight until Nate separates them, and in unison they say, “Will you go to the circus with me?”

Theresa blinks. “What, with both of you?”

Still simultaneously, with more attempted punching, “No, not with him, with me!”

After a long moment full of baffled staring (there's a lot of that in this episode, isn't there?), Theresa says, “Um. That's very sweet of you both to ask me, but I already told Sam Guthrie I'd go with him.”

Disbelieving, deflated stares from Tony and Wade.

Laugh track.

Then Wade shakes himself, shrugs, and brightens. “Oh. Ok. Hey, Tony, wanna go to the carnival and monopolize the shooting gallery?”

Tony blinks. “Um, ok, sure.”

 

\--

 

The circus is bright and colorful, and under the big top we can hear the shouts and cheers of excited adults and terrified children. The fairgrounds are bustling with activity. We can see Theresa and Sam at one of the booths, throwing darts at balloons.

Tony has at some point become separated from Wade, and is wandering down the midway, looking over the various games and attractions with some bemusement. He's been having at least some success; he's carrying a large stuffed Fin Fang Foom under one arm. In the middle of the path he pauses, peering suspiciously at a girl in a knit earflap hat manning the fishing booth. “Hell, she looks a little young to be working here. This place staffed by runaways or something?”

(Pro tip: Hey look! The Runaways joined the circus!)

“Hi, Tony.”

Tony looks up, surprised. Coming the other way down the path are Neena and Nate, walking arm in arm. Neena waves cheerfully and holds up a sleek butterfly knife. “Check out what Nate won for me at the ring toss.”

“Uh...cool.” He thinks about that and frowns. “Should they really be giving those away as carnival prizes?”

She shrugs. “Who knows? The kid who got it for me looked a little young to have a work permit, maybe.”

Nate grins. “We're going to the shooting gallery next. I hear they have new guns this year. I'm always holding out hope that they'll have something challenging.”

A couple of aisles over there is a sudden ruckus. Together Tony, Nate, and Neena look over towards the source of the noise—and then up, and up, as Wade comes flying over the booths and out of the carnival entirely. As he flies through the air he can be heard to shout, “It would have been totally awesome! You know it!”

Tony blinks, startled. “I wonder what he did.”

Nate cocks his head to the side as if listening very closely to something nobody else can hear and then smirks. “He tried to make the sword swallower fight the fire-eater.”

“Huh. That _would_ have been awesome.”

Laugh track.

 

End Credits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the next exciting episode of The Deadpool Show!, there's more Deadpool!
> 
> **Authorial Note-Type Thing**
> 
> "Way of the ninja" is not something I made up. I knew a guy in college who did that. Seriously, he'd climb up high and then drop on people, screaming "Way of the ninja!" Good times.
> 
> He was an interesting guy.


	3. I Dream Of Deadpool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this episode, Wade gets stuck in a Chinese fingertrap and Nate doesn't help!

So all of the supervillains at Marvel Heights live in Building D. Seriously, _all_ of them, which is why it's bigger than the other three buildings (which are already pretty huge) and also why it's always under construction, because they're constantly getting in fights and destroying little bits of it. The apartments are really nice, though, very high-tech. That's what happens when you hang out with a bunch of super-scientists and magicians and crazy people.

Karla Sofen is lounging on a bench outside the building, pretending to read _Psychology Today_ while she people-watches and secretly makes notes on how to destroy everyone she sees. It's pretty much her only hobby. Some people knit or fix cars or collect vintage Kewpie dolls, Karla breaks people down into their component parts with her mind. I suppose it occupies the time. Anyway, let's take a look at what gets on the cover of _Psychology Today_ in a world like this.

“World In Their Eyes: What To Do When A Loved One Can Warp Reality.”

Ooh. Worrying. How about...

“Survivor's Guilt: How To Stop Hating Yourself And Learn To Love Your Healing Factor.”

Man, what?

Anyway.

Karla is chilling out and playing the Hannibal Lecter Game. Wade, meanwhile, is just now coming out of the lobby of Building D. He hangs out there a lot. Actually he used to live there. He doesn't live there _anymore_ , seriously, he's _trying_ to be a good guy, but he still has a lot of friends there.

Well. Maybe not _friends_ , per se, so much as acquaintances who aren't trying to kill him _right now._

“Hey, Karla!” He drops onto the bench next to her and rests his elbow on her shoulder. “Whatcha _doooing?_ ”

“Plotting your inevitable downfall, of course.” She lowers her magazine and smiles pleasantly at him. “You missed your last therapy session. Actually by my count you've missed your last...” she pauses for a moment to count off on her fingers, “thirty. I'm impressed you even came to the first one, even if all you did was talk about a disturbingly homoerotic dream you'd had about Spiderman and then pass out on my couch reeking of cheap Canadian whiskey. Why _do_ you keep making appointments if you're not going to show up?”

“Why do _you_ keep accepting appointments if you're not a licensed therapist anymore? Ooh! The heat! It burns!” The laugh track cues, because this is _exactly_ the kind of line a laugh track cues on. “Anyway, seriously, I'm so boooored. What are you reading?”

Karla gestures at him with her magazine. “An article about developing problem-solving skills. I thought it might give me some ideas about how to get you out of my hair.”

“But you've got such _nice_ hair!”

She ignores that and stands up, removing Wade's elbow from her shoulder as if it's something really _distasteful_ , like...like a dead bug, or a sea cucumber or something. What? Sea cucumbers are _creepy and gross._ “I have an appointment to get to. See you around, Wade.”

“Wait, but, you're just going? Like that?” He sort of flails ineffectively, like he's trying to make her stop but doesn't want to grab her, which I suppose makes sense since she could totally flatten him. Because _Karla Sofen is scary._ This is a true fact. “But you...you forgot your—” he looks down at the bench and blinks. “...Chinese fingertrap? Hey, cool, I haven't seen one of these in ages! I think.”

He picks up the fingertrap and we zoom in, because we want a closer look, right? It's big and heavy and made of metal, and the ends of it are dragon's heads with ruby chips for eyes. Actually...wait, that's totally the fingertrap from _The Addams Family_ , the movie.

Shit. No, Wade, don't—

He slides his index fingers in and the little mouths lock down. “I remember these being pretty easy. Great for messing with people. All I have to do to take it off is...” he pushes his hands together, trying to make the mouths release. “Ok, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. Maybe it's...” he tugs. It doesn't release. “Ok, how _do_ I take this thing off?”

Now we get another zoom-in shot, but this is of Karla's face as she walks off. She's smiling a little. Because _Karla Sofen is scary._ Seriously, you guys.

In the background, we can hear Wade shout, “Oh, godDAMMIT!”

The laugh track cues.

Let's fade to black, shall we?

\--

Meanwhile, across the courtyard in Building B, Nate has finally tracked down Reed Richards. Why does he need to talk to Reed Richards? Well, that's what you're here to find out, isn't it? Sit tight and let me tell the story, will ya?

Reed is walking through the lobby, hands behind his back, apparently staring into thin air when Nate catches up to him. “Excuse me, Dr. Richards. If I could just have a moment of your time.”

Reed doesn't respond. He's too busy pondering the Negative Zone or theoretical particles or maybe the sexual applications of his elasticity powers, which I bet are _endless._

“Dr. Richards?”

“Oh!” Dr. Richards jumps. The laugh track cues. “Yes. Of course. You're, ah, you're...Wire? Rope? Something like that...”

“I'm Cable, Dr. Richards.”

“Right, yes, Cable. You're...” he peers at Nate. “You're Havok's boy, aren't you?”

“Cyclops, actually.”

“Of course, I can see the resemblance now.”

Pro tip: He totally doesn't see the resemblance. I'm not sure he even remembers what Scott looks like. He is _flakey_ like a _pastry._

Wait, shit, he's still talking. “What can I do for you, Cable?”

He's still walking towards the door to the courtyard, though, so Nate starts walking backwards just in front of him so they can talk face to face. Lucky he's got that whole telekinesis thing and can open doors behind him with his brain. “I need your help with fixing my time machine.”

“A time machine, you say? No, no, I couldn't possibly. Time machines are very dodgy. You don't want to go messing around with the timestream. It's terribly dangerous. You could cause a massive divergence.”

Nate looks sort of irritated. Frustrated too. I bet that's how a lot of people look when they talk to Reed Richards. “I don't think you understand—”

“Nate! Nate Nate Nate! Help!” Wade runs up to them—sort of awkwardly, because he's still got his fingers in the fingertrap and can't use his arms for balance at all. “I need your future-y science help!”

“Not now, Wade. Dr. Richards, what I'm _trying_ to ask you is—”

“But I'm stu~uck! Karla left this thing, and I wanted to try it out, but now it won't come off!”

Nate glances at Wade's hands briefly. “It's just a Chinese fingertrap, Wade. You'll figure out the trick to it eventually.”

“But it's _stuck!_ Come ooon!”

Nate's totally not listening anymore, because if he stops to take the fingertrap off now Reed might get _away._

“Oh, come _on!_ ”

But Nate and Reed are walking away.

Fortunately, however, or maybe not so fortunately, Henry McCoy is passing through on his way back from the sandwich shop. He's carrying half of what looks like it might actually be a _two_ -foot-long sandwich, and it's got something like four or five kinds of peppers on it, and six different kinds of cold cut, and honey mustard and some kind of stinky cheese. _Nasty._ Or possibly _delicious_ , if you like that sort of thing. “Afternoon, Wade. What seems to be the problem?”

Wade perks up. “Beast! My furry blue friend! My blue friend with huge enormous brains! Help! I'm stuck in a Chinese fingertrap!”

Henry starts laughing so hard that he almost drops his sandwich. “Well, I'll...I'll see what I can do.”

\--

_Three hours later_

Yeah, there's definitely a crowd.

Mostly people are just watching and talking. Monica Rambeau is microwaving popcorn for everyone as they try to get Wade out of the fingertrap. Victor Creed has started running a book.

Then, though, there's the line. _Tons_ of people want to try this thing. Seriously. Tons. Dr. Strange wants to magic it off. Ororo wants to hit it with lightning. Pietro offered to vibrate it off, but Wade said no, citing “squick factor.” I don't even know what he means by that and I'm not sure I want to.

( _Wade_ wanted to ask the Mandarin, who passed through an hour ago or so, but the only thing the Mandarin did was lecture him about racism and stereotypes. Fat lot of help that was.)

Obviously nobody's had any luck so far. The fingertrap is completely unmarked. All that's really happened is that Wade is sort of smoking now. Like, on-fire smoking, not cigarette smoking. There's also some blood. And...mustard. I don't know why the mustard is there. Not sure I _want_ to know. Lot of that going around today. I mean, I'm sure there's a _reason_ for it, but—oh. Oh, someone fed him a burger. Thus the mustard. That...that makes sense. I was worried that it might have been for the fingertrap.

There's a commotion at the back of the crowd, and then it parts and Logan walks up through the line, cigar hanging out of his mouth, and scowling, as he does. As is his wont. He squints at the fingertrap, nods sagely, and extends a single claw.

He lifts his claw.

The crowd gasps.

He brings the claw down.

“Ow, _shit!_ ”

So it turns out that even admantium can't cut through this fingertrap. All that's happened is that Wade just face-planted in the dirt.

Logan nods another sage nod, says, “Huh. So. Nothing to do here,” and walks off.

After they manage to get Wade out of the dirt again he shakes himself (like a _dog!_ ), adjusts his mask as best he can with only his pinkies, and says, “Screw this. I'm going to go find Nate.”

\--

Oh my god, it's been three hours and he _still_ doesn't get it?

Ok, ok, backing up. We're in Reed's lab now, and Nate's _still_ trying to explain to Reed what he _actually_ wants to do. “Look...look, Dr. Richards—”

“I'm afraid I _couldn't._ ” Reed is doing something worrying with a test tube, while in the background a small boy—oh my god it's _Franklin._ What's he doing in the lab? Why is he allowed to play in here? “Building a time machine is terribly dangerous!”

Nate grits his teeth. “Dr. Richards!”

Reed jumps, drops his test tube, and only catches it because he can stretch his arms out like whoa. A little bit drips out, though, and _yeah,_ it totally burns through the floor. “I'm sorry, what? There's no need to shout.”

Franklin is building a castle out of completed Rubik's cubes in the background.

“I already _have_ a time machine.”

Wade bursts through the door and tumbles head over heels into a lab table, knocking over a rack of test tubes that then blow up. Reed doesn't notice. “Oh. Then why do you want me to build one?”

Nate pinches the bridge of his nose. “I _don't._ Mine is _broken._ I want you to help me _fix_ it.”

Wade holds up his trapped fingers, a pleading look in his sad adorable eyes, and Franklin looks up from his castle-building and nods solemnly.

“Ah.” Reed frowns. “Well, why didn't you just say so?”

The laugh track cues.

Quietly, Franklin gets up from his corner, walks over to where Wade is sprawled in the smoking wreckage that was once the lab table, and depresses the tiny hidden switches on the Chinese fingertrap. The mouths open, and Wade's fingers are free! Free at last!

Finally Nate blinks and says, “Wade, what are you doing here?”

The laugh track cues again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I need to go show this thing to Weasel now!


End file.
